It's time to start the day

I tend to make up songs when I babysit, one of them being "Good Morning, good morning, its time to start the day..." and this morning it is in my head as Michael and I drive to work at 5:30 am. Maybe its a way of distracting myself that I should still be cuddled up in bed

I haven't weighed in a few days but as of last Wednesday I was down 9 pounds! This week will signify one month of cleaner eating and adding exercise, which is amazing to me. I have eaten some pretty salty food in the last few days (Mexican food from The restaurant...Mmmm) so I am trying to give it a few days for the salt to pass so I can have a more accurate weight.

Appreciating fresh fruit more than ever before and I/we have found that on days we juice/blend we are much less snacky, and more likely to reach for something healthier. I am sitting here, sipping a kale, spinach, strawberry, avocado and banana drink and loving it. We both ate a breakfast sandwich last week (no juice that morning) and felt gross after.

I have been making changes to how I cook dinner and I will make a post soon about recipes and little changes that reduce fat and calories.

Dad,

I sit here, a Tad confused as to what I should be doing. In one hand, you are dying and I should probably reach out and call you. On the other...you tore up your dad card a long time ago and me calling to say "whatsup" does nothing.

Instead of building your little girls up, we are having to and have had to do damage control to the destruction you created. The negative voices in my head eerily sound a lot like you...I'm not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, tough enough, have enough friends, have the dreams you think I should have...well screw you.

You allowed your baby girl to do drugs, drink in your home, be lied to and about, be used as a pawn for money, be betrayed by none other than her daddy whom was always her hero.

I started this thought process with the intention of writings a letter or card to you...reaching out in your final days. And then I remember.

Do a few years of happiness and some fond memories outweigh all of the pain and coming to terms with the dad I was given?

I am so very grateful that the man I married wound never desert his children. That even if something were to happen with us, he would never jeopardize his children for the sake of pride or some new spouse who could care less about dignity and honesty.

I remember good times...bike rides, going on calls at night around the properties, roding the golf carts, Yosemite...and for those memories I am grateful. You could be worse. Are those memories enough to undo all of the other damage?

I have been married for 7 years, your baby girl just got married, I have had a leukemia scare, miscarriage, bought a house, moved several times, started and ended several jobs, went through school...all without one iota of an influence from you. I love my life...my husband, our animals, our family, our friends...in spite of abysmal self esteem that was hammered in to me, I thank God for the positive and loving influences in my life.

So I am sorry you are dying...that you have chosen what you have and whom you have. But I am no longer conflicted. I will grieve the dad I once had...wrestling on the floor, going fishing, reading books...and then the page turns once again.

I feel sorry for you. You could have your children in your life, never have gotten divorced, be more at peace...but then you would be a completely different person. I'm sorry for the cards you were dealt emotionally and never found work through. It must be crippling and lonesome...and I wish it were different. I wish you were a part of my life...I wish that when Michael and I have children they would know you aw grandpa and would go on fishing adventures with you. I wish you were the dad the four year old, curly headed version of me rememebers.

But we can't choose those kinds of things unfortunately.

Motivation.....I need you...

It took years to get me to this size, it won't be overnight that it's gone. I need to print that and post it everywhere! I'm struggling a bit today with snackiness and not feeling motivated to walk...but I know I need to push past it. Ugh! I think I am going to do a semi strict juice/blend Monday and Tuesday...maybe its something I should do twice a month and keep including one juice daily. We shall see!

Two weeks

Today is the start of day 15 on my journey which means it has been two weeks! As of this morning I am down 7 pounds and I am feeling great. I broke my own rule about not weighing every day and had a jump but I did not let it discourage me. So many things can attribute to a false/momentary weight gain that intellectually I knew I had to push past it, and I did.

The fact that I did really astonishes me when I think of how that gain has affected me in the past. It was not unheard of for me to see a gain, or no loss and then go binge on something until I felt ill. The number of years and unhealthy habits is very unfortunate but if I am changing it now and that is what counts.

Well thats a first

I went to bed without enough calories yesterday. Huh. Whaaaaaaa??

I've battled an eating disorder since high school but this was possibly the first time ever that I didn't consume enough based purely off of the exercise defecit I created and not stuffing my face. So on one hand, kinda cool, on another, I am ravenous this morning. And I am very well aware of the fact that I need calories to lose so I will make sure to not make it a habit...plus, have I mentiones a ravenous appetite this morning?!

Normally a good hearty green juice is sustaining for quite a while but shortly after consuming it I was hungry and thinking of a breakfast sandwich. (Wasn't aware how much I loved them until I'm trying not to eat them).

So I've had water and a granola bar and will snack on something soon but I have learned my lesson on calorie intake!

Keep on truckin'

It's the evening of day 11 and I am happy that today I am no longer obsessively thinking about gluttonous trips to the store, or diving in to a pool filled with oh so scrumptiously bad for you treats.

Picking a healthy option is getting easier and I am doing well with the notion that I can still indulge in food occasionally, as long as I am aware of calories and portions. I have had pizza, frozen yogurt and an amazing Burger over the past 11 days, and instead of making me feign for more, it is setting the precedent that I don't have to overeat, I can have it again at a later date.

I am still reminding myself that I want to do this slowly, but I am already noticing changes in my body, which is helpful. Michael says my face looks thinner and I know I feel lighter. I will weigh tomorrow to see just where I am but I know whatever the scale says, I am feeling great. If it takes a certain number if calories to maintain my weight, eating less than that and adding exercise can only bring healthy results.

Day 7

The start of day 7 and I am down 4 pounds. Yippee!

It's not drastic but I am down and am trying to focus on the fact that I am not seeking drastically quick weight loss. (Well who wouldn't like that) But I know that if I lose that way it is not sustainable. Losing 1-2 pounds a week is healthiest and most sustainable in my experience.

Yesterday was the first, tired, not so motivated day I've had but I still didn't step too far off the tracks. I am not sure if it is primarily related to my wonky hormones or day two of no caffeine. However, I am going to grab an energy drink on my way home because lack of energy is detrimental to me right now. When all of this becomes more routine I will back off the caffeine again. (It makes sense in my non caffeinated head).

I was not able to blend my breakfast this morning so I am feigning for food, which I know is psychological to say the least. Ill be home in about two and a half hours, I think I can manage.

One and two and three and four

Ick. To say I detest exercise is a pretty accurate statement. I enjoy being active. I love camping, kayaking, dancing...but to actually set out to exercise is a practice suited for those whom actually enjoy sweating and pushing themselves physically. (Like the crazy man I married).
However, as it has always been my Achilles heel, I am forging ahead and duct taping the mouth of the 15 year old inside of me who could easily do an 18 minute mile in school. Going on purposed walks these past five days has been amazing and I have not failed a day yet. Even if it is a simple or "easy" exercise I am doing, anything is better than sitting on the couch. As much as I feel like I am recreating the wheel here, maybe doing so is exactly what I need. Being comfortable has yet to get me the results I desperately want, so maybe its damned time to try something new. Not to say I haven't exercised in the past and had success....but it has never become a long term habit, which is what I am trying to accomplish. The desire to be active can only be achieved by doing so. (Although if they find a way to do so otherwise.....)

Down the hatch

My adoring (amazing, loving, hot) husband got me a Ninja Kitchen system for Christmas and it has become a beloved part of the household in just a couple of weeks. Every morning I am blending greens and fruits for my breakfast and love every minute if it. When we are honest with ourselves hardly anyone is getting all of the vegetables they need. Once I admitted this, we turned to juicing last year. Loving it at first it become bothersome to know we were losing nutrition by means of pulp and that greens hardly yielded any juice. Normal blenders do not obliterate the chunkiness enough for me, which is where the Ninja comes it. I can use 75% spinach and it turn out creamy and a texture I can actually enjoy.
As for other food, I refuse to eliminate anything completely but there is no reason the hubby and I should ne feasting on an entire loaf of garlic bread, or rating double starches several times a week. Refocusing on the fresh foods and flavors I already love is allowing me to explore even more meal possibilities while maintaining the ever important yummy factor.
I am severely reducing the processed, crack infused yumminess I ingest and I feel great. Not so much in a "OMG I have so much energy and am no longer bogged down" way, but I feel amazing for sticking with it and actually accomplishing something. It has been five days, but that is five days closer to being healthy than I have been in YEARS. I am taking my motivation by the horns and running with it. Every step an accomplishment. Every green smoothie a sip in the direction of health. Every time I put on my tennis shoes, I am accomplishing.

Thus Far

Today is the beginning of day 6. I have tracked every bite for the past 5 days and pushed myself to exercise daily. 5 days seems ridiculous in some ways but for me that's huge. I wish weight could come flying off as soon as you start eating well but with wanting it to be healthy and sustaining it will take a bit longer. And that's ok. (Rinse and repeat).

One of the biggest things I have noticed is my association with food. Similar to quitting cigarettes where a person (including myself) has to break the habit of having one after ______ or while _______, I am finding food to be the same. If I am in the car early I want a breakfast sandwich. If I am at the store, I always want a "treat." Which may be several times a week. I go on an hour drive, I want a snack. Watching a movie, snack time.

Paying attention to these cues has been big for me these past few days as I am becoming more and more aware of how reliant, and dare I say, addicted to food I am.

I love food. I will confuting love food, but in a healthy manner. Enjoying cooking a meal for my husband and others is different than cramming a box full of processed snack food in to my gullet. So I am breaking the latter and focusing on the former. Making my love of fresh, tasty ingredients the focus...and eliminating or greatly reducing the crap.

On a journey

My weight has never held me back.

At least that is what I like to tell myself and others.

But what a crock of shit; I am terrified to fly in a plane. I am so very scared that I am going to be asked to purchase a second ticket, or to have to ask for a seat extender. I can't zipline because I am too heavy and would have to be a special exception for a shark dive.

I don't want to be a special consideration because i may be too large or out of shape for something. I want to do all of the things I want without ever thinking of a weight limit.

Conversely my weight doesn't affect everything in my life. I am generally confident, willing to try new things, enjoy dressing up, love outdoor activities...but the hardest thing for me to admit is that my weight could be affecting my ability to have children. My husband and I are currently infertile and I am sickened at the thought that I could be stopping us from having a little one. That alone is worth this change in my life.

Admitting weakness is not something I enjoy but it is necessary for me to be honest with those around me and most importantly myself.

Welcome to my journey.